“Even if you fall on your face, you’re still moving forward.”
-Victor Kiam
About two months ago, I got back for competing for the title of Miss Teen United States. Which I clearly didn’t win but, it was a great learning experience. I’m still very proud and happy to call myself the reigning Miss Teen Texas United States.
During my state competition, I got asked, “How do you move forward after going through what you did?”
This was a great question but, I answered it simply… “You just take it day by day. There’s going to be some bad days but, slowly it’ll get better.” I know personally I’ve heard that a lot and at first I didn’t really believe it.
When I was younger I believed that if I just kept pushing all my memories down and ignoring all the pain, I could convince myself nothing ever happened and it would go away. This is one of the many reason I didn’t come forward. I felt like I would have to relive all my pain and make it worst.
I know now, that I was wrong. At first, it was horrible, I was constantly crying. I couldn’t even think of the word “raped,” or “molested.” ….Now, I can talk about my experience without crying, which is a very big step for me.
I’m not saying I don’t have bad days, because I do. Before Luis (my abuser,) and I went to trial, he was out in the public. I was terrified of accidentally running into him. The Dallas- Fort Worth metroplex is a lot smaller than you imagine. I continuously run into people I know, all over! I would try and go about my normal day, even though I was “on edge” a lot.
I was applying for jobs (I happen to be a car salesman just like he was). I’ve only been in the car business for about a year and half, and I’ve learned it’s a small community. I’ve met multiple people that knew him or recognized me.
I was going to an interview and while I was waiting, I swear I heard his name. I thought I heard “Luis Gutierrez to the sales tower.” I was instantly filled with anxiety. I could feel the heat in my chest as my heart started racing!
This dealership was full of glass offices. I was immediately flooded with thoughts like, “Oh my gosh, he can be anywhere!” “He’s probably already noticed me and is going to confront me!” “Should I walk out? Should I stay?!”
Anytime I heard the name Luis during this time period in my life, I was terrified. I hated the name. But, as time goes, you replace those bad feeling, with better ones. Now one of my closest friend’s name is Louise. Which sounds the same and bothered me at first but, I slowly just let those little things go.
After going through abuse, there’s so much pain and anger, that you feel you won’t ever get over or be able to move forward. And at first you don’t, but little, by little, you chip away at the wall you have up.
You have to take it down brick by brick!
There are times where it may take months, for just one brick! But it’s so freeing, and relieving when you do.
The message I want to get across is that you CAN move forward. It’s not going to happen quickly, and that’s okay!
There is hope for your future and the pain from the memories/abuse won’t keep you from having a good happy life.
“We all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same.”
-Anne Frank
Behind the Wall 